The Pinball Wizard

Free verse, stream of consciousness, not sure what it means, do you?

 

_

They say I live in the moment but I call it short term memory

My anger is strong but short-lived

They say I’m chill but its cause I’m used to the cold

 

Did you know,

My finger lies between the divide of coincidence and destiny?

I dance along it’s edge with my thumb and fore finger, pinching

How close is it?

 

On the tight rope of uncertainty

My heart pounds at a steady, glamorous beat to which I match my footsteps

My thoughts bounce off the walls of my head, heavy like a metal ball

They call me the Pinball Wizard

 

Where am I?

I’m looking out the window as the cars go by and people walk

Somewhere in the middle, a one way, like Metcalfe or Laurier

A perfect place to people watch through the window of this coffee shop

The barista calls my name

 

Who am I?

I’m consumed by multiplicities

and all of the directions that things can go

All these people and their feelings, stuffed in buildings, in this city

and mine mix in like radio waves

 

They say I live in the moment but I call it short term memory

My anger is strong but short-lived

They say I’m chill but it’s cause I’m used to the cold

Tomorrow I will forget

But today I will reminisce

Advertisements

My “Lady Bird” Film Review

I’ve been fancying myself with writers and narratives that capture the facets of female complexity. Fittingly, while sitting in the quant Ottawa Bytowne Theatre awaiting the start of “Lady Bird”, I read the first pages of “Slouching Towards Bethlehem” by Joan Didion, a prominent thinker and writer of the late twentieth century, who also happened to be a woman. A few moments later, a 1979 epigraph by Didion would fade onto the screen in black and white:

“Anybody who talks about California hedonism has never spent Christmas in Sacramento.”

lady bird 5Director Greta Gerwig and Joan Didion, I would later find out are both from Sacramento. As with Christine McPherson, but as she so often corrects people, is Lady Bird – a name “given to me by me”, she explains. And that sets the premise for the story: a girl who demands a different flavour of life from the one the one that was given to her.

Before her directorial debut with Lady Bird, Greta Gerwig had a pretty successful acting career.  She spent her times on set as an opportunity to learn, observing and asking the directors question like a makeshift film school. A coming-of-age story is what Gerwig set out to create, deviating from the male-oriented algorithm that they usually follow. And in the simplest of conclusions, it was a masterful success.

“Lady Bird” tells the title character’s coming-of-age story in Sacramento in between the years of 2002 and 2003. In the final year of her Catholic high school, Lady Bird (played by Saoirse Ronan) desperately wants to leave the suburban wasteland of Sacramento and go to New York City for college, where the culture is. As protagonists go, she’s driven by a bravado and naivety that only young protagonists can encapsulate, fittingly juxtaposing the weary, disciplinary Mother who can, at times, be perceived as the antagonist.

Gerwig successfully examines the world that Lady Bird lives in, not with a critical lens, but with an observant one. So many little specificities of the film stick out to me, from the kilted Catholic uniforms, to the strategically placed early-2000s pop tracks, to the subtle backdrop of post-9/11 tensions and war overseas.

It is through Gerwig’s observant and specific lens that we get a zeroed-in narrative, lacking any political agenda, simply telling a story of a girl wanting more in a specific place, in a specific time. And she does this while simultaneously making it touch just about anyone who sees it.

lady bird 6Out of every shining detail, the most engaging part has to the be the central focus of the film; the relationship between Lady Bird and her Mother (played by Laurie Metcalfe). Because, while I had mentioned that she can, at times, be the antagonist, she is also the other half of Lady Bird’s tumultuous love story.

While this film could’ve fallen under the wide umbrella of female coming-of-age tales that are always aligned with the girl’s love for a boy, this film deviated from this in the best way possible way. It is in their mother-daughter relationship – the screaming-in-your-face, pushing-every-button, so-different-but-the-same relationship – that is so reflective of that contemporary dynamic that I was brought back to own life just a few years ago. It is so reflective of my own life, that I think that’s why my brother, a domestic observer of my relationship with our Mother, was the one who recommended I see “Lady Bird”. And why, just a week after seeing it the first time, saw it again but this time with her at my side.

lady bird 3

“Lady Bird” is a breath of fresh air, and probably my favourite film of the year. Much like the confidence and authenticity found in pen of Saramento’s Joan Didion, Greta Gerwig created a vivacious girl whose story captures the some of the facets of female complexity and authenticity. It taught me that love and attention are usually one in the same, and that one’s coming of age is another person’s letting go. It is a love story to hometowns, high schools, douchebags, best friends, and Mothers alike, and I cherished every moment of it.

 

 

 

Life Updates from a Twenty-Something

Long time, no see.

When I started this blog I told myself that I would write one blog post a week. And I did do that… for a little bit. There’s no such thing as excuses, but life definitely got in the way the last two months.

This summer I planned to be as financially independent as possible. After moving to a new apartment, starting two new jobs, I realize that it’s really difficult. But, I knew it would be.

May and June were tough. My summer class in Stats was demanding in effort and time. Nearing the end of the course, I spent 5 hours in the Carleton library, my head inches from the screen of my laptop, attempting not to cry. I cursed myself for dropping out when things got hard in this same class during the fall. But, I asked around for some tips, and after receiving help from a few individuals I ended up with an A-. I most definitely surprised myself, and couldn’t have done it on my own.

On top of Stats, my two new jobs were demanding. Their schedules overlapped, and in late May I ended up with 45+ hours each week between both of them.

I hear about my friends working for the government, making double my wage an hour, getting weekends off, buying expensive things and going on trips. There’s been many times where I’ve felt kind of bitter about working full time on minimum wage. It’s hard not to be.

However, earning and saving my own money has been rewarding. While most days, I go home to my little apartment and all of its plants, I make dinner and keep mostly to myself. I still go out with friends, I still treat myself to dinner from time to time, I still buy what I need, and perhaps at times a little bit more.

IMG_1991 2

I find at the end of the day, when I do come home from work, my body and mind are too tired to write. While throughout the day ideas still flow through my mind, endlessly, about what I could write – from Bill Maher’s n-word debacle, to Philando Castile, to SZA’s new album that came out  a few weeks ago – by the time I sit down to actually say something about them, the stories are no longer newsworthy. In this age, writing isn’t just a challenge in itself, most of the challenge is found in the timing and relevancy of the things you choose to draw from. Being tired and overworked don’t go hand in hand with this.

In my free time, I’m still writing. I’m just focusing more on fiction, which surprisingly I find more personal than my own blog posts. Perhaps I’ll share a story when I feel as though it’s been manicured enough to put out into the world. But for now, it’s just for my eyes only.

On another note, in a matter of days, I’ll be turning 21. June 28th really crept on me this year, so I haven’t really had time to think about turning 21, or even time to plan something with my friends. 20 seemed like a much bigger deal. Now it feels as though just another year has passed.

Perhaps I’m being so nonchalant about this birthday because I’m kind of feeling a bit self conscious. Heck, the other day I was at a party where one guy was talking about his participation in a Think Tank, while the other was going on about his internship in Uganda. While they discussed world politics, I was left in my own head, thinking about my customer service position at this little natural food store at the mall near my house, dealing with grumpy vegans and picky customers with a gluten intolerance.

Excelling is overrated, I tell myself. But really… I think I’d rather go slow and steady, making my way up this ladder at my own pace so I don’t suddenly slip and fall down. As a plus side, I get to see what I pass along the way.

Anyway, if you are reading this, thank you for keeping up with my blog. Every reader is deeply appreciated. I hope to come up with a better blog post in the weeks to come, and by then I’ll be just another year older. But first, I’ve gotta figure this adult thing out.

[Feature Photo source]